Taking a Break

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Ed the Bat
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Taking a Break

Post by Ed the Bat » Sun Nov 12, 2017 7:13

Hi, Team.

Anyone who happens to keep close tabs on my progress will notice I've slowed down lately, partly because I've started a day job in the past month, and partly because inspiration has run a bit dry for the time being. I would just say not to panic if things seem a little quiet from me for a bit. However, if anyone should happen to have questions, requests, suggestions, etc... feel free to tell me, and I'll see what I can do. And if anyone else happens to have new content they would like to have added to the project, that would be great. If not, that's okay too.

Just figured everyone deserved a status update in light of the recent lull.

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Re: Taking a Break

Post by Enjay » Sun Nov 12, 2017 19:51

No worries. I think we all appreciate that real-life stuff can get in the way sometimes. I hope the job is working out well.

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Re: Taking a Break

Post by Ed the Bat » Sun Nov 12, 2017 20:25

It is, thank you! And it's flexible and forgiving enough that I'm actually quite capable of doing my personal projects alongside. It's more that the new job has shifted away some of my focus from other things. I also feel like I kinda wrapped up on the things I was doing most recently for Paranoid, so I need another little blast of inspiration to find what the next thing(s) to work on would be.

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Re: Taking a Break

Post by Rachael » Sun Nov 12, 2017 23:03

Ed - you've done a fantastic job on this project, and there is no question that without your contributions it would not be where it is today. :) Everyone deserves a break and you've definitely worked your butt off for one.

I hope real life doesn't treat you too harshly, and just remember that you've made a huge difference! Thank you.
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Re: Taking a Break

Post by Ed the Bat » Mon Nov 13, 2017 0:06

I can't tell you how much that all means to hear. And I know it's not the first time I'm hearing it regarding this project. Still, thank you so much.

I feel like I haven't done enough to warrant an allowance to be lazy. Having worked with some level of regularity on the project for the past 8 months, and seeing that it's still not what I consider to be 'complete', I feel like I should have done more. But, I'm sure I'd feel like that no matter how much I did.

I don't expect life to give me any trouble. I'm so far quite happy (a strange term for someone like me to use :P) with the job, and it offers me plenty enough freedom to keep working on personal projects (so long as I have the motivation and inspiration, naturally). I just wanted to explain and apologize for slowing down a bit for the time being.

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Re: Taking a Break

Post by Rex Claussen » Mon Nov 13, 2017 15:01

Ed the Bat wrote:
Mon Nov 13, 2017 0:06
I feel like I haven't done enough to warrant an allowance to be lazy.
You're kidding, right?
I just wanted to explain and apologize for slowing down a bit for the time being.
You're kidding, right?

But all kidding aside, you've put in a massive amount of effort, and no apologies are necessary. We all go through phases of inspiration that wax and wane. As far as needing to achieve "perfection" (or our own notion of it), that is natural. But the pursuit of it can also be frustrating. Many have been the times when I have had enough of a project that I want to quit before that 100% mark. Most times, if I am on my own, I have the option of doing so. On other occasions (particularly in the context of a Team effort) this is not an option. Sometimes reluctantly, I press on.

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Re: Taking a Break

Post by Ed the Bat » Mon Nov 13, 2017 15:20

Again, thanks so much for the kind words. I've always felt it's wrong to judge one's self positively: at best, it's not an objective assessment, and at worst, completely pompous and arrogant to congratulate one's self. So the opinions of others are what truly matters about one's positive impacts.

Regarding perfectionism, it's a bit of a relief to hear I'm not the only one who faces this. I can never feel like I'm truly 'done' with a project. My only mitigation for the feeling would be to do 'live' releases of a project, where I would continue to offer maintenance and updates after release. Some of my favorite games take this approach and I'm very glad they do.

I don't think I've ever become tired of working on a specific project because of the project itself. In the times it's happened, it's been purely due to ugliness between myself and other people on the project. That's the kind of thing that sticks with me forever after, and now I can't even look at those projects...

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Re: Taking a Break

Post by Rachael » Mon Nov 13, 2017 19:06

Ed the Bat wrote:
Mon Nov 13, 2017 15:20
I've always felt it's wrong to judge one's self positively: at best, it's not an objective assessment, and at worst, completely pompous and arrogant to congratulate one's self.
You know I *vehemently* disagree with this and you and I have even come to blows over that. That is just flat out wrong for a multitude of reasons, the least of which is how it affects your self-esteem and motivation, the worst of which leads to narcissism and needless loathing of otherwise innocent people.

I am sorry about bringing this publicly, but I just cannot let this stand.

There's a wealth of good information about this, and why it's so incredibly important, in fact there is so much of it I am just going to link a Google search about it, because I just cannot emphasize enough about it.

The fragment that I quoted is objectively wrong, factually wrong, and scientifically proven false. Please don't spread this kind of misinformation - it's actually extremely harmful, and I stand by my assertions about it for good reason.
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Re: Taking a Break

Post by Ed the Bat » Mon Nov 13, 2017 19:14

This term you linked in Google, I've been told before by a couple of people. I can't say I've ever understood or agreed with in the slightest. The people I love have told me with great emphasis that I'm among the most loving people they've ever seen in their lives, so I'm not seeing how loving one's self is a requirement. And based on the feedback I'm getting here, it certainly doesn't seem to be a requirement for working productively.

I don't consider myself easy to convince about most things, unless I see very clear and unambiguous presence of it. And I'm just... not seeing it.

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Re: Taking a Break

Post by Rachael » Mon Nov 13, 2017 19:21

Then do your research on it. There's a reason why I did a Google search, instead of linking any one or group of articles about it.

And I will further argue there's a fine line between humility and self-hatred. The former is about not rubbing it in people's face that you're better than them - you can love yourself, and not do such things. Loving oneself does not make oneself arrogant. The latter actively rejects one's own accomplishments - and is quite harmful.

I am sorry to cut this short, but I will leave further comments in my argument and rebuttal out of public view, since some of my arguments about this will be taken too implicitly and I do not desire that.
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Re: Taking a Break

Post by Rex Claussen » Tue Nov 14, 2017 3:04

Ed the Bat wrote:
Mon Nov 13, 2017 15:20
I've always felt it's wrong to judge one's self positively: at best, it's not an objective assessment, and at worst, completely pompous and arrogant to congratulate one's self.
Rachael, from Ed's original quote, I see nothing that suggests "self-loathing". On the contrary, I think Ed might have been referring to humility. Perhaps the use of the phrase "it's wrong to judge one's self positively" implies lack of "self-love", but that wasn't what I took away from Ed's comment. Instead, I quite agree with him on the following points:

1. One's judgement of oneself is typically subjective. Few people have the ability to view themselves from an external standpoint.
2. Self-congratulation does seem arrogant to many people.

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Re: Taking a Break

Post by Ed the Bat » Tue Nov 14, 2017 3:39

Rachael is not wrong that I have severe self-esteem issues... however, I don't feel my point is any less valid because of them. Yes, Rex, you are correct about what I was aiming to say. If one truly does leave a positive impact, it will be recognized by those around it, and they would be the most qualified judges, being direct observers of the do-gooder and his deeds. Not only would he be in a poor place to judge himself as 'good', but it wouldn't even be necessary for him to say it. People who make positive claims about themselves (such as the infamous "I'm a nice guy" argument) wouldn't NEED to, if those claims were true -- they would be evident on their own. Think about any self-aggrandizing claim President Trump makes, and think about if it's accurate, or if anyone around him agrees.

The compliments I've received from you all on the team here stand as a much stronger testimony to my contributions than anything I could ever say for myself. I'll never say 'I do good things, I'm a good person.' Instead, I will say 'I try my hardest to be good. Whether or not I'm successful, you'll have to ask those around me for their assessment.'

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Re: Taking a Break

Post by Rachael » Tue Nov 14, 2017 4:04

Irrespective of what I have previously said, I will attest and affirm that Ed the Bat is one of the most talented and dedicated modders that I have ever seen.

To have him work on your project is a HUGE boon, and the work he's done on Paranoix is a very strong testament to that.

So yes - good job, Ed! You deserved this break, and I can't wait to see what you do next - be it this project - or another that you decide to work on. :) Thank you for what you've done.
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Re: Taking a Break

Post by Ed the Bat » Tue Nov 14, 2017 4:07

Once again, I cannot express enough thanks for the kind words, even moreso than before. I'm overwhelmed, to be called such strong things as 'most talented and dedicated'.

I'm nearly at a loss for words. Just... Thank you. Thank you so much.

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Re: Taking a Break

Post by Enjay » Thu Nov 16, 2017 20:08

Rachael wrote:
Tue Nov 14, 2017 4:04
Irrespective of what I have previously said, I will attest and affirm that Ed the Bat is one of the most talented and dedicated modders that I have ever seen.

To have him work on your project is a HUGE boon, and the work he's done on Paranoix is a very strong testament to that.

So yes - good job, Ed! You deserved this break, and I can't wait to see what you do next - be it this project - or another that you decide to work on. :) Thank you for what you've done.
Absolutely. I fully agree with all of that.

As well as the unquestionably phenomenal work that Ed has been doing on Paranoid, he has been doing some very cool stuff with my Burghead mod in the background too. For example, in, what seemed like a heartbeat, he went through my maze of DECORATE with all its inconsistencies and influences from other projects all mashed together in an unholy mess and converted it all to nice, logical ZScript. We still have a bit of work to be done before a fixed version can be released and we've both put it on hold for some time but when it comes out it will be a much better final product than I could ever have managed alone thanks to Ed's sterling work.

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